And the Tears Start Falling
by Arianna Salcedo
Summary: Touya makes a decision about a person he cares about.


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subject:
And the Tears Start Falling ( CCS )

name:
Arianna Salcedo

date:
Fri Apr 14 04:42:26 2000

Minna,   
  
A little fic inspired by a drawing of a friend.   
  
DISCLAIMER: Card Captor Sakura is owned by CLAMP and other related   
enterprises. The author earned no money from this piece of writing.   
For entertainment purposes only.   
  
NOTE: PWPness, considerable discontinuity from the original series and maybe some OOCness ^^;;.   
  
  
[And The] Tears Start Falling   
By Arianna Salcedo   
  
  
I sit still listening to the whispering wind, letting its cool fingers   
caress my face. It is so beautiful tonight, isn't it? A perfect night   
for lovers. A perfect night for lovers' vows. How I wish it were so   
for us.   
  
These past few weeks I have been avoiding you... I know you know this.   
I have seen the confusion in your eyes, along with pain, along with   
fear. Maybe I should have told you sooner; I realize how hard this   
is for you, for both of us. I dreaded hearing the question from your   
lips. I still dread it now, because as before, I don't know how to   
answer it without acknowledging the inevitable.   
  
Hurting you, Yuki.   
  
How do I tell you "I don't love you anymore?"   
  
How do I tell you "I never loved you?"   
  
How do I tell you "I love someone else?"   
  
And such questions... such answers... will *hurt.* So much more than   
the pain we both feel now.   
  
I had hoped--and a foolish hope it was--that all this wouldn't come to   
a confrontation. I thought you would be angry during all those weeks of   
my... silence. That such anger would be enough to ensure your disavowal of   
our relationship. But, of course, that never happened. You remained   
understanding and nice and kind and sweet and patient... All the things I've   
always admired and respected about you. All the things I've always loved   
about you. As a friend.   
  
If I only paused to think before, if only I weren't so blind, so eager   
to misunderstand, maybe I could have spared us from this. And now   
my foolishness will cost me the friendship of someone I hold very dear.   
Yours. *You*. I know this to be true, and it will hurt and hurt and hurt.   
  
But, Yuki, I have to do what I have to do. I cannot let you go on   
believing and holding onto something that is simply not... true.   
You deserve so much more; you deserve the 'real thing' and that I   
can never give. I believe that there is another person out there   
who will love you, who can be all I am not. Because you are Yukito.   
And Yukito can only have the best of--of *everything*. In time, I know you   
will forget me. And when you do, I wish can be your friend again.   
  
But until then...   
  
Thank you, Yuki.   
  
I'm sorry.   
  
And goodbye.   
  
  
****************************************************   
  
  
You are so silent, To-ya. You haven't said a word since we came here and   
your face looks so sad... Is there something wrong?   
  
These past hours I have talked on and on and on... and yet you never   
respond, make a comment, anything! Anything except that sad and regretful   
look in your eyes. Don't look at me so, To-ya. *Tell* me.   
  
I know and you know that you have been avoiding me these past weeks.   
Only giving an occasional 'hi' or 'hello' when we meet, walking with   
me back home when I ask you to, helping me every now and then with   
home work... Those things... you want them, don't you, To-ya? But   
I don't. We never go to school together anymore, never eat together,   
never study together. Never together. We weren't like we used to be.   
*You* weren't like you used to be. You've turned into someone I barely   
know and couldn't reach. A new person. A stranger.   
  
Is that what you meant by 'liking' me? You told me when we were in   
your grandfather's place--and it seemed such a long time ago--that you liked   
me more than a just a 'friend,' To-ya. You told me you loved me. And I will   
always remember the expression on your face when I told you that I loved   
you, too. Surprise, joy, wonder. Your kiss. "Daisuki da, Yuki."   
  
And now...   
  
What happened, To-ya? Did I do something? Do I lack something?   
Sometimes, I find myself crying... actually crying... when I think about us,   
and I try to blame you, to be angry, but somehow I couldn't. I know you   
wouldn't want that. I know you don't deserve it.   
  
Because I know you'll always do the right thing.   
  
And I look at you and I know you want to do the right thing.   
  
Falsehood does not suit you, Touya.   
  
Do I drive you to it, I wonder? In your 'love' for instance. Did you really   
love me or were you just blinded by what I let you see in me? My fragility,   
vulnerability...? Because if you did love me, do love me, then you would   
have known that I am so much more than my weaknesses.   
  
And you wouldn't hesitate now.   
  
Do you really think breaking my heart would change the way I feel about you?   
  
I'll always be here for you, To-ya. No matter what happens, however long it   
takes.   
  
At least you should know *that*.   
  
Suki da, To-ya. Eien ni.   
  
  
****************************************************   
  
  
I finally told Yukito. He took it better than I expected. I'm still   
trying to figure out just what my expectations were. Cries of anger   
maybe. Hate. Accusations of betrayal.   
  
Those I could probably have withstood.   
  
But not, but *never* his quiet acceptance and understanding.   
  
"I'll still be here for you if you need me, To-ya," he said softly,   
his beautiful golden eyes calm, even loving. "We started as friends.   
Why let something like this come between us?"   
  
And then a pause, as if he was suddenly struck by hesitation.   
"I'm still your friend, right, To-ya?" No, not hesitation.   
  
Fear.   
  
He was afraid that *I* will reject *his* offer of friendship, as   
if he was at fault...   
  
Oh Yuki...   
  
"Of course," I whispered.   
  
And then Yukito smiled. After one last look, he turned and left me alone in   
the park.   
  
I feel empty now, numb, as if that one thing which I thought I finally   
reclaimed had been taken from me for good instead.   
  
My heart...?   
  
But I made the right decision, didn't I?   
  
Didn't I?   
  
Drops of water trail down my face. Is it raining? I try to wipe the   
moisture away, but I couldn't, because the rain is getting stronger...   
and stronger... and stronger.   
  
I really must get going.   
  
I touch my face.   
  
I couldn't be crying tears.   
  
  
~owari~   
  
  
  


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